How to recognize unhealthy personal boundaries in yourself and others

Posted on February 26, 2013 by elizabeth

As I’ve been reading (and re-reading) Take Back Your Life, I’ve found myself having moments of epiphany and moments of embarrassment. The moments of epiphany happen when I deconstruct a harmful system and suddenly understand how it works. The moments of embarrassment happen when I realize how I’ve perpetuated cultish behaviors in my own relationships.

I’ve slowly come to realize that it wasn’t enough for me to leave the cult. The cult was inside me. Yes, I was victimized in the cult but I’ve also carried those harmful ways of behaving out into the world.

I’m really committed to working on that!

For the past six months, my husband and I have been in some pretty intense marriage therapy. One realization we had was that by staying SO BUSY since leaving the cult, we’ve never slowed down long enough to examine the harmful patterns of behavior we carried outside it.

As we’ve prioritized our recovery, I’ve had these moments of embarrassment where I realize how deeply affected I was–and still am–by my childhood cult. I am learning to let go of my embarrassment and come to a place of acceptance. I learned these behaviors as a child who was born into a cult. It’s not my fault. Now that I can see what I’m doing, though, I want to learn how to change it.

One of the major problems I’ve had to address are my lack of healthy boundaries. From birth I was trained to let others violate my personal boundaries. I was trained in “first-time obedience” and literally could NOT say the word “no” to an adult. It has been very difficult for me to reclaim my ‘no.’ I still struggle with knowing how to set my own personal boundaries and respect the personal boundaries of others.

Time and again I’ve mismanaged relationships because I lacked basic boundaries. I routinely let unsafe people in while keeping safe people out. I frequently trusted the wrong people. To me, someone with unhealthy boundaries looked “safe” because it looked normal. I overlooked their bad behavior because I knew how to tolerate abuse. My dysfunction might be dysfunctional but at least it’s MY dysfunction. Unhealthy boundaries felt normal.

I had a total epiphany moment when I read “Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries” on page 171 of Take Back Your Life. Here is an abbreviated list:

*Telling all
*Being sexual for others, not yourself
*Being nonsexual for others, not yourself
*Going against personal values or rights in order to please others
*Not noticing or disregarding when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries
*Not noticing or disregarding when someone invades your boundaries
*Giving as much as you can for the sake of giving
*Taking as much as you can for the sake of getting
*Letting others define you
*Letting others describe your reality
*Believing others can anticipate your needs
*Believing you must anticipate others’ needs
*Practicing self-abuse (cutting yourself)
*Being deprived of food or sleep
*Being unable to separate your needs from those of others

It was pretty eye-opening for me to realize I could check off almost all of these signs.

And I have been on both sides of the unhealthy boundaries coin. I have been victimized as the result of unhealthy boundaries and I have hurt others who have unhealthy boundaries. Sometimes I have let unsafe people too close and they end up hurting me. I have also drawn people in and hurt them. I feel guilty about this. I am learning to acknowledge my wrongdoing and take personal responsibility for my behavior without shaming or punishing myself.

I am learning to accept my human limitations, own my personal rights and accept the limitations and rights of others. One area of progress is that I’ve finally learned that 99.99% of the time, people aren’t attacking me personally. For example, when someone writes a hurtful comment, I am now able to realize they are generally speaking from a place of pain themselves and it’s not about me at all.

I am also learning to moderate my emotions so that I neither catastrophize or minimize events. I am learning to maintain a positive outlook without being blind to reality. I am learning that it’s OK for me to say “no.” I am learning that love doesn’t hurt.

I am learning that real life and real relationships require a lot of work but that freedom is priceless. Things really CAN get better. And even if external circumstances don’t always improve, I, myself, CAN get better! It’s empowering to know I get to decide! I am taking back my life one little day at a time!

This entry was posted in Book Reviews, RecoveringEvangelicalsAnonymous, RecoveringFundamentalist. Bookmark the permalink.
  • http://likesunshineinthehome.blogspot.com/ Sarah H

    This is where I am right now. After leaving the cultish church I attended since being 4 for 35 years (we left last June) I have suddenly started having major panic attacks in our new church. A simple request can send me into floods of quivering tears because I cannot cope with saying no. It makes me want to not go to church at all. I was not allowed to say no at my old church. If I did say no then I was a GREAT disappointment to the leader – he would be all ‘hurt’ that I didn’t ‘trust’ him. According to him, even if you know you are right you should say ‘yes’ to the leader because according to him ‘it is better to be one than to be right’. If I wasn’t ‘one’ then the sick wouldn’t be healed, people in the church would get sick, and the church would be ineffective in reaching the lost and it would be all my fault for not being in agreement with everything preached or taught. He could even ‘discern’ if you were disagreeing in your thoughts! I would spend the whole of services desperate to keep my thoughts in line with the preaching and philosophy of the church otherwise the preacher would know and everyone would drop dead from some awful illness all because I was rebellious.

    I had some counselling last night and one of the things that I hope will really help me on my journey out of cultish thinking was discovering I have no ‘voice’. I don’t know who I am, I have modified my thoughts and behaviour to such an extent for so long I have lost sense of self in many ways. I need to get my own voice, to know who I am and what I really want, to know God for myself, to set healthy boundaries. This is going to take some time and a lot of prayer. But it’s a starting point.

    This is a long way of saying I want to read this book you mention!

    • Gigi

      Sarah, this post really concerns me. I am so happy you are going to counseling. Without a “sense of self” we are a real target for pastors who are on their own power trip. No one can ‘discern’ what you think, that’s just bullhockey. I so hope you will learn to listen to your own voice.

      • http://likesunshineinthehome.blogspot.com/ Sarah H

        Thanks. It has helped me to just identify that very issue, I know it won’t mean instant healing but at least I can see it now.

  • Susan

    I am so here, EE. Some days I literally hurt all over, and need to go sit somewhere quiet for awhile.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jessicaerinmell Jessica Formerly-Benash Mell

    good stuff. keep sharing what you’re seeing and moving through! thank you, Elizabeth!

  • Gary

    I’ve only followed you for a short time, but have really enjoyed your observations. I would like to ask a question out of sincere curiosity. I’ve also watched the Vlog on “Relidge” where you are introduced as a former evangelical fundamentalist who is now a Catholic. But, I think I also read a post of yours (which I cannot now find) where you talk about the process of leaving Calvary Chapel. So, my question is this. How do you arrive at converting to Catholicism. I repeat: This is a sincere question from someone who is, themselves, on a quest for a ever deepening relationship with God. Thank you for any response you may feel like giving.

    • http://twitter.com/byzcathwife priest’s wife

      Gary- I think the Calvary Chaepl post is around somewhere…but this was not the cultish church that she is recovering from…that was before…as for further conversion…she is revealing bits

      • Gary

        priest’s wife. No, I figured from the Calvary Chapel post that it was the fundamental church she grew up in. I was just wondering what led to converting to Catholicism following her Calvary Chapel days.

        • Gary

          Oh, never mind. I finally looked at the categories (imagine that…I also call directory assistance instead of opening the phone book to my wife’s chagrin) and found Catholicism. Question answered :)

  • Sandy

    In the list of unhealthy boundaries you wrote above, only one, being deprived of food or sleep, is consistently seen as abusive or unhealthy in the Body of Christ. Most of the other things on the list are tolerated without question if not outright encouraged. Whether it’s termed as ‘walking in love’, ‘preferring others ahead of ourselves’, or the ever-popular ‘submission’, it is common for churches to teach people how to have unhealthy boundaries. As a whole, the Church still thinks it’s selfish to have and enforce healthy boundaries. Unhealthy boundaries are so accepted that if you try to set healthy ones you are seen as the bad guy, an instigator of strife, judgmental towards all others. I’m sure it was worse in the cult you grew up in, but it is alive and well out here as well. When I chose a church, it was imperative that I chose one that would back me up when I needed to set boundaries. Thankfully, I did find one, but it grieves me how many people are still in unhealthy churches and don’t even know the difference.

    • Mistie Holler

      The only kind of boundaries most churches recognise are those that pertain to couples touching each other.

  • http://twitter.com/byzcathwife priest’s wife

    This post is SO important for me- because I did NOT grow up this way- it is a good reminder of what many others are going through…

  • http://www.badmenproject.com/ talking figleaf

    This is so great, Elizabeth. I’m more of a 2nd-generation cult survivor. My parents were both raised very strictly, and I was exposed to their parent’s churches only through early elementary school.

    But I’ve got to say that being an escapee has its own perils. Sara H mentions some of those in her comment. In my own generation, which coincided with the hippies and the nominal sexual revolution, there’s a not-even-unnatural possibility of mistaking rejection of oppressive barriers with maintenance of healthy boundaries. And wow am i learning — sometimes after way too many decades — what a huge difference there is between the two!

    I’m going to order a copy of Take Back Your Life. And I’m going to post your list on my old sex blog along with a link to the book (using your Amazon code because thanks!)

    Thanks again!

    figleaf

  • http://felicemifa.wordpress.com/ Margaret_at_FeliceMiFa

    As a life long no-sayer I can relate to little of this (and it’s all about me, right?), but I appreciate your description of why what we perceive as personal attacks often are not. I’m totally with you there.

  • pleschke

    This was awesome — first, just because it’s great content, and second, because you are finding freedom! I am so excited for the journey you’re on.

  • Aprille

    Have you read the book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend? It’s amazing and has helped me so much with a lot of these issues. I have horrible boundary problems myself and have a long way to go, but I’m learning!

  • Anonymous

    I may need to put this book on a list of my to-reads. I have never been in a cult, but the list makes me think I was raised in an abusive environment. I know I adopted those behaviors for self-preservation.

    I think many people (I was one) don’t think cults are all that prevalent. That its only the few that make the news. But you, Elizabeth, and the people who comment on your blog, have changed my mind. And it makes me sad to think of all the abuse going on in the name of God and Jesus.

  • http://thehomespunlife.com Sisterlisa

    The freedom to say ‘no’ is huge. If people get upset when you say no…that’s their issue, not yours. One thing I have had to recognize is the space I put around myself to avoid being hurt. Hurt is going to come, so it’s about how I handle it. There’s no way to avoid it totally. In my effort to make my bubble space larger, I only isolated myself more.

  • http://twitter.com/lindseytalerico Lindsey Talerico

    This part: “I am also learning to moderate my emotions so that I neither catastrophize or minimize events. I am learning to maintain a positive outlook without being blind to reality.” — bloody brilliant. Brilliant in the sense I feel my spirit wants to give yours a high-five and a hug, and take you out for coffee.

    This morning I came into the office and felt I needed a shot of pure encouragement. You’re the first person I thought of, and here I am. Miss you lots. Think about you often — can’t wait to read your book. xo.

  • Sheila

    Hi, I’m new to your blog .. clicked over from Simcha Fisher a couple of weeks ago and right away realized that we have a lot in common. I’m a “Catholic cult survivor” … which I realize is somewhat uncommon to hear about, to the point that I don’t tell people about it, for fear they will say, “How DARE you suggest that a group approved by the Church could be a cult?!” Which makes me want to run screaming from the Catholic Church, which I can’t do because I KNOW the truth is here.

    Anyway, I love this list and I recognize these issues in myself. The trouble is, I’ve spent the last 10 years since leaving the cult forming a lot of deep and important relationships (read: marriage, kids, lifelong friends, etc.). And I’m only realizing now that I’ve also spent that time training the people I love to treat me badly because I have no boundaries. So if ever, by some miracle, I manage to stand up for those boundaries, I get a very negative reaction from everyone because they’re used to me being “a giver,” “so patient,” etc. Then my reaction is to get angry and lash out at everyone — not good either!

    I guess I just feel trapped in the personality I created for myself within the cult … like it’s too late to change now. How do you teach the people close to you to respect your boundaries when you yourself aren’t really sure where those are? Where do you START?

    Not expecting you to have all the answers here … but I’m thinking I very well might buy that book. I need some help here, and it’s frustrating to think, 10 years out, that I am still struggling with the aftermath!

    • Evelyn

      Oh, boy, do I ever hear you! It was a total shock to even the healthiest people in my life when I suddenly had preferences and opinions, some of them quite strong. It’s hard to change, but I’ve made the most progress just by being super honest—”I’ve lived so long without having preferences that it’s kind of a shock to me, too, but here it is, and I’d appreciate your respect as I continue to figure things out.”

  • Evelyn

    “I routinely let unsafe people in while keeping safe people out. I frequently trusted the wrong people. ”

    Oh, I’ve so been there with this one! Thanks for such an honest post.