I am done having babies and this reality is making me crabby. Every time I see a baby–which is EVERY SINGLE DAY, OMG, WHERE DID ALL THE BABIES COME FROM??—my uterus aches. A baby cried in Mass this morning and I thought my breasts were gonna leak milk. It was sorta like when you leave your iPhone at home but you feel those “phantom-vibrations” in your pocket anyway? I was having a “phantom-let down” right there in Mass and suddenly I was that weird old lady cranking her body around to smile at the young mom and whisper really loud: “OH, HONEY, JUST ENJOY EVERY SINGLE MINUTE, OK?? THEY GROW UP SO FAST.”
This is called Empty Uterus Syndrome. It is also called Approaching Mid-Life. It is also called I AM TURNING 37 SOON WHICH IS THE SAME AS SAYING I’M 40.
Clearly, I need a new project.
To ease my aching uterus, I began watching how-to videos on YouTube for things I will never do. Like build a cornice board. Upholster a headboard. Sew a swag. #YOLOSWAG, as the young people would say.
I’m not wasting my old age, friends. I’m learning new words. Example: jabot. Pronounced: JAA-BOW. You’re welcome. What is a JAA-BOW? Pretty much it’s a fancy word for ruffles. Or, as it pertains to curtains, precisely FOLDED pleat-thingies.
I also now understand the difference between a waterfall valance, a balloon valance and a scallop valance. BECAUSE IMPORTANT. If my YouTube history is any indication, apparently I am studying to be a seamstress. My long-abandoned sewing machine is laughing at me right now.
Another radical distraction of mine is to attempt Appreciating Football. I don’t like this sport. I find it barbaric and inhumane and cultish. BUT. My husband expresses his emotions primarily through football analogies and since I don’t even understand the most basic lingo, I’m trying to LEARN SOMETHING about stupid football.
Here’s what I’ve learned: “sacking a quarterback” means smashing a guy to the ground. I got very interested in this “sacking” thing and started researching it. I discovered Brett Favre received a record 525 sacks in his career. Last week he talked about how this has negatively affected his memory. For example, he did not even remember his daughter played soccer. Whoops. I’m trying to learn to APPRECIATE football and instead I’m just confirming my old prejudices; ie. football is barbaric, inhumane and speaking of money: DID YOU KNOW THIS ONE GUY –a Joe Flacco–signed a $120 million contract for 6 years with the Ravens???? Yeah. $120 million.
My uterus just exploded with jealousy because–because WHAT IF I got paid a million bucks every time I “made a touchdown” by delivering a healthy baby? I know, I know. But a uterus can dream, can’t she?
One more update: remember how I wanted chickens? Well, good thing I didn’t get chickens. Because that would have been a lot of WORK and I’ve discovered I prefer sitting here on my ever-expanding booty, watching YouTube videos about sewing drapery swags. You only live once, people. #YOLOSWAG.