Yesterday started out so great. The photo shoot with the newspaper was fun. It has felt amazing to start having success with something I'm passionate about. I felt like I was flying. Now I'm freeeeee....free fallin'. You know that feeling?
And then I had my annual physical. And it all came crashing down.
The lump is in my left breast. It's fairly large. I don't know how I missed it. But then again, I haven't been good about doing the monthly self breast exams. Still, it took me by surprise.
The doctor was calm, professional. And at first, I stayed calm, too.
She wrote out the order: breast ultrasound + mammogram.
I didn't cry until I got into the car. I was alone and the children couldn't see me, so I decided to cry it all out before I got home. And the prayers fell from my lips: Oh God, please. Please. I have five children. This doesn't happen to moms like me. I'm too young...
After the rush of tears, I calmed down. I surrendered to it. I told God that whatever it was, I would trust Him. But it would be nice if it turned out to be nothing. Just a cyst. Benign. Could ya work that out for me, Lord?
And then life crowded in. The truth is, I don't have time to feel sorry for myself. Which is sorta awesome. I drove the boys to baseball practice and prepped dinner. I took refuge in the small, immediate needs of the moment: meals, homework, bedtime routines. It takes energy to worry. I would rather spend that energy living my life.
Besides....God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Ps. 46:1 Isn't this why we have faith? For exact moments like this?
Anyway, if you think of it, I would appreciate your prayers tomorrow. I've never had a mammogram before.
And if I'm honest, I'm a little scared.
