Doing It By Myself.

[This post was written by kindred spirit and fellow mommy of five, Molly of Adventures in Mercy. Molly shares her journey out of legalism with honesty and humility. Thank you for this beautiful guest post, Molly.]

I’d suggested that maybe the log was too big for him. 

“No, mom, I can do it by myself!” 

The chubby feet grip the fallen log as the four year old face peered intently at the long worn trunk in front of him.  My first child wouldn’t have been given this opportunity.  I would have told her something like, “Mom said no.  Please get down and come hold my hand.” 

The log was much too big, too long for a four year old body to cross, and I wouldn’t have wanted to waste my time standing there.  She couldn’t know that it was too big, being four, but I could, and I would force my will on her and she would have complied, knowing she had no other choice but obedience because I would use my greater power to get my way.

This fifth child, born about the same time my old parenting philosophy was imploding and a new way of mothering beginning to form, is handled much differently.  Kids are wired to try things for themselves.  That’s how they grow.  My older children shifted happily, albeit confused initially, into being parented in an atmosphere of respect and freedom. 

The momma bear lets her babies wrestle with salmon in the stream, knowing they likely won’t catch a thing but that trying, the fine art of practicing and repeatedly failing, is what will make them competent fishers in future years.  The mother bear doesn’t view failing as a crime, a sin, or a problem.  It’s an expected outcome for young cubs on the path to future success. 

“Okay, Jireh.  Go ahead and give it a try.”  I stand close and take a few pictures of wildflowers, giving him the space he needs to “do it by myself,” while staying within earshot so that I can help him down when he realizes it’s more than he can handle just yet.  It doesn’t take long...

There are plenty of things I decide for Jireh each day.  Since I’m raising him for freedom, raising him to think for himself, to choose for himself, to walk in wisdom and a sound mind, I want to give him as many opportunities to be powerful that I can. 

This does not mean I let him choose whether or not to eat candy instead of a whole wheat sandwich on a daily basis for lunch.  Like I said, there are plenty of things I do choose for Jireh, particularly those related to his age and his ability to understand long-term consequences of his choices.  But in as many ways as possible, choices are his.  And in as many arenas as possible, this also means that the opportunity to fail is his. 

My old parenting paradigm viewed failure as a thing to be avoided, probably because my old theological paradigm did too.  In legalistic circles, much emphasis is placed on perfection and avoiding failure, kids and grown-ups alike. 

Maybe things look prettier there on the outside, sure, but at what cost?  At the cost of human beings not learning all the rich and powerful lessons that are learned when we give something a try.  God’s not terribly impressed with the way things look at the outside, anyhow.

When we fear not being perfect, we essentially imprison ourselves into a lock-step rhythm: right, left, right, left, not just missing out on a lot of fun, but missing out on the journey itself, a journey never intended to be marched but rather, lived.  We can’t live unless we allow ourselves the freedom to try, to fail, to get messy, to start over, to begin again. 

“Mom!  Mom!  This is scary!  Will you help me get down?”

“Sure will,” I said, as I loped over to lift him down.  I smiled, gave him a hug to ease away the fear, and said, “That was fun to try that, wasn’t it?” 

“Yeah…but then it was scary.” 

“That’s okay.  Sometimes things get scary.” 

“Yeah.  Sometimes they do.” 

We hugged for a minute longer and then he released me, and before I could blink I was standing on the trail alone.  Jireh had bounded down the root-laced path, off to the sands of the sea shore and the myriad delights therein, the fear gone, a new adventure already filling his brain.  

His busy body avoided the log for the rest of the day, not because I told him to, but because he knew that he wasn’t old enough yet to tackle it.  He learned in a way that was normal and natural, in a way that respected him as a person, in a way that reminded him, yet again, that Mom is a safe place, that sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to, but it’s okay.  He learned that trying difficult things is a good thing, as is recognizing that we’ve taken on more than we can handle, as is hollering for help when we’re in over our heads.

I would rather have him be inclined to give something a try than be trained to shrink back, afraid, not sure if he can do it therefore not willing to try, afraid of failure.   So when and where I can, which includes when and where I have the energy and the time to stand there for an extra minute, I want to give him that space. 

Parenting involves providing a safe and warm environment for our kids to practice freedom.  If you are going to wield power over yourself wisely, you have to practice having power, practice wielding it.  This only comes as those with power share it with those who don’t have it. 

My old paradigm was about power too—mine.  The authority has the power, the lower ranklings don’t, and “discipline” essentially involves getting you to give me your power, over and over and over again.  But this is the exact opposite of the kind of adults I want to help produce!  Even worse, it runs diametrically opposed to a gospel that is said to set us at liberty (Isaiah 61:1, Luke 4:18, 2 Corinthians 3:17, Galatians 2:4). 

The Christian parenting books I read, if anything, warned me about letting my kids have power.  “Those babies are going to try to usurp you,” they read, “ so watch out!”  I was taught to interpret my baby’s cry as “manipulation.”  (Funny thing, that.  Their brains aren’t even capable of manipulation yet, physiologically.  Sheesh). 

I was taught that I had to worry about my kids and their desire to take my authority, to be afraid of their desire for power.  Yet I posit that their desire for power is a natural God-given desire to grow up, and that the only thing we need to be afraid of is parenting books that tell us otherwise!  Instead, we should welcome their desire for autonomy and freedom, and seek to use our power to empower them.  Many child-rearing manuals teach us how to use our power to overpower, not empower. 

Christ teaches us differently.  “Power in My Kingdom,” He said, “Is for coming under and lifting up, not standing over and keeping down.”  Mark 10:42-45 presents us with a radical new way of thinking about power.   God parents us that way.  He fills us with His power so that we can have the ability to crawl instead of sit, walk instead of crawl, run instead of walk (2 Corinthians 4: 6-7, Ephesians 4), that we might grow into greater and greater abilities and the maturity to walk in them. 

Christ empowers us to live our lives more fully.  Legalism puts fences everywhere, so that we might be safe from sinning, and in so doing, thinking we are so wise for blocking off all those potential pitfalls, we find ourselves trapped in a little box, unable to go anywhere at all. 

“Well, at least we’re not sinning.”  Tell that the the Master when He returns to see how you’ve used His resources.  The only servant He was angry with was the one who did nothing for fear of screwing up (Luke 19). 

Screwing up is neither here nor there, and that is the point we must come to with our children and with our selves.  The Bible promises we will stumble and fall.  The point is, we are on the journey, moving towards our destination.  The point is we are going somewhere, not that our knees have skid marks from tripping.  The tripping is part of it. 

So when we come across a fallen log and feel the urge to give it a try, that’s part of the journey too.  And if we get out in the middle and we realize it’s too big, and sometimes we will, we have a Parent within earshot, pretending to take photos of wildflowers so as to give us our space, yet ready, at the first sign of our cry for help, to reach out His hand and help us down. 

 

Resources that I've found to be full of helpful tools as I learn to parent respectfully, gently but firmly, with liberation as my goal:

- Families Where Grace is in Place  By Jeff VanVonderan  (this book lays such a great foundation for parenting and all other relationships)

- Parenting on Purpose By Danny Silk (no doubt much of the above post reflects concepts further elaborated in Silk's book!)

- The Biblical Parenting website with Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller (looking for a dvd series for you or for your church?  Look no further)

- Positive Discipline By Jane Nelson (some great ideas here, especially the "Family Meeting" tool, something my older kids absolutely LOVE)

- Mothering By Grace, a wonderful online discussion forum for mothers wanting to learn more about this style of parenting
 

Comments

[deb Froat]

I really enjoyed this article. You described well what is wrong with the legalism that is becoming popular among some Christians.

[Hillary]

Water for the soul, Molly. Thank you for having her, Elizabeth!

[Cathy]

When in doubt, err on the side of grace.

One must be careful, though, not to chalk up what we don't agree w/to legalism. A good example is modesty. When the youth pastor at our large church (we're Reformed, but hardly legalistic--not even close, in fact), vetoed bikinis, it was decried as legalistic. I contend that the youth pastor was acting on behalf of the entire youth group, and after much prayer, and thought, he endorsed that rule. He is acting in faith, and doing the best that he can for all concerned. Reasonable people can disagree, but someone has to be in charge. That is also a biblical notion.

I may be far afield on that example, but I differ a bit w/Deb. I see that the Church has moved further into the culture, and become less rule-oriented. Of course, it may depend on the circle in which you travel.

Cathy

[Andrea]

I think that "water for the soul" describes it wonderfully, Hillary :)

Molly, I aspire to someday parent with a similar compassion and empathy for who my children are and who I hope to see them become as grown people, rather than as small extensions of myself, their behaviour a reflection on my own self-worth.

Well, I actually just aspire to parent someday, period! But once I get to that point (God willing!) I aspire to parent in such a way as you describe here-- the way my Father parents me.

[molly]

Aw, thanks, guys. My copy of the book, "Parenting on Purpose" is currently on loan, but I sheepishly will bet that most of the content in this post is lifted straight from the pages of that book. He really got me thinking about power and control--not for the first time, but just in a new way, and it's been ruminating in my head ever since. You know how that is, when you read something and then it becomes part of the way you think, so it's yours, and yet it's not. lol... So giving credit where credit is due, Mr. Silk probably earns a good portion of it this time. :)