Disappearing faces

 
train overpass, Refugio State Beach

The worst part was people disappearing. As a child, this was particularly disconcerting.

I'd arrive at a Sunday worship meeting to discover that two or three people were missing. In a small, intensely intimate church community--the loss of a few souls was jarring.

I was offered the same explanation every time: "Sister Louise fell away from the Lord."

Or, sometimes: "Brother Joseph chose to forsake fellowship."

It was like they'd died a sudden, tragic death. Many times I never got to say goodbye. We didn't speak to those who left because anyone who left our church was obviously out of God's will. In sin.

We shunned them and prayed for their repentance.

If, perchance, we ran into them at the grocery store or library we had a well-rehearsed script: "Have you repented? Where are you fellowshipping?"

This was before Facebook or cell phones. When I was child, if someone disconnected their home-phone and didn't answer their door--they were gone.

After one of my favorite babysitters left, I vowed never to open my heart to new converts. I put up walls and became wary, watchful. I sized up new converts, profiling them: did they have what it took to withstand decades inside our church?

If I deemed them too educated, pretty, well-connected, rich or having a supportive family--I wrote them off. I knew they wouldn't last long. And they rarely did.

My closest bonds were with other children being raised inside our church. I trusted them because they knew what it was like to live that life.

But an oppressive religious system has an uncanny ability to crush even the most genuine human relationships.

My family ran the church. Even had I wanted to leave, I wasn't strong enough to actually do it. Leaving our church meant leaving God and my family.

And at the core of my being, I am a relationship-motivated person. So, I stayed. I watched childhood friends and their families leave--some quietly, some tragically.

My grandfather set out to restore Christianity to its pure, original roots. But his noble ideals were achieved by cruelty. Human beings were the collateral damage.

By far the best part of being free from a controlling church is the ability to form and foster friendships. I've had the wonderful experience of re-connecting with childhood friends, neighbors, and you--kind reader.

I've built a BIG family. I'm surrounded by love and relationship.

At long last I am free to love wholly, completely and without reservation.

Comments

[colleen]

I am so glad you are free. Hugs and blessings.

[Lou Ann]

Thank you for opening my eyes to something, I still struggle to understand. Having not experienced a controlling, legalistic church, I am sometimes hardpressed to understand why people would attend or stay in such an environment. We did have a ministry that was more leagalistic towards my husbands ministry and the psychological power these strong, controlling men had on him was much the same. He could not move on when a few opportunities came because of the control which led to fear. BUT we are free now, and the WORD is what controls, not men! I meet new people in our fellowship who have expressed that in their former church they sat under condemnation, but now they walk out on Sunday with a straight back and head up, feeling conviction from the Word with which they can receive forgiveness and direction. What an encouragement, as the pastor's wife, it is for me to hear the effects of proclaiming hte Word and not man's thoughts. One friend would say how each Sunday she previously felt beaten up each week, but now freedom, not to sin, but to live for Christ. And the neat thing is that her prayer is that her former pastor would learn that same freedom of not giving a message to just beat people into submission, but the freedom to open the Word and let it speak. So new friend, you are teaching me things, that in turn helps me to understand others and how their past has affected them and show them much mercy and grace, grace that is greater than all our sin. God Bless you, Esther, and your growing family.

[Lou Ann]

just heard something, that seems to go along with your theme, "who holds the keys to your church?" "does the pastor, the custodian, the one who makes the coffee?" the key symbolizes the authority, the control, possession, rights...etc....who comes in and who cannot out...the one who truly owns or holds the key to the church is CHRIST the LORD. Hmmmm...something to think about.

[Heather]

My family left our fundamentalist church when I was 15. However, I kept attending the church-run school. The leadership at the church viewed people leaving as "God winnowing out the unfaithful." It was very difficult to me to understand the night and day change that occurred with some of the people, people I still saw Monday-Friday at school. I have never had the relationships repaired with the parents of my friends, but my friends and I, after college, have worked to repair our childhood friendships. But there is always a feeling of loss, of women who were like second mothers and aunts, men who I used to trust and seek their advice. Knowing what it was like for me, I can't fathom what it must have been like for you, having an even closer connection to the church. Thank God that He has restored your ability to love fully.

[Jennifer]

Thank you so much for sharing this touching story with us. You've exposed something that a lot of people struggle with in churches like that. God bless you for your candor.