Unsustainable zeal

my little surfer boy James, chillin' at Refugio State Beach, Oct. '09

One of the positive things about being raised in a disciplined household was that I learned to take personal responsibility for my actions.

Our lives were rigorously structured around the weekly church meetings and so I learned how to manage my time effectively. I was ingrained with a deep, unshakable sense of duty.

Eat your vegetables and salad before you eat your dinner roll. Pray and read your Bible before you brush your hair. Stand still and focus your mind on prayer and hymn singing for the hour-long worship time.

The obvious downside to this kind of lifestyle was that it bred perfectionism. As I grew older, the burden I had to carry grew increasingly heavy because there was always pressure to perform, to keep the enthusiasm whirring at full-blast, to bring in new converts.

Worst of all, there was no margin for error. To mess up, to fall short was to expose myself as spiritually weak, unfit for the service of the Lord, morally suspect.

But our zealous commitment was simply unsustainable. Eventually something had to give. I thank God that the church imploded before I did.

I probably would have driven myself into the grave because I was determined to perform my duty--no matter what.

Back then, I was convinced that my service to God was valuable inasmuch as I performed quantitatively. I took very little thought for my personal health: three babies in three years plus church ministry plus personal discipleship.

It was a recipe for burnout but I was determined to be burned out in the service of God. Because somehow, that was honorable.

I don't live like that anymore.

Sometimes people ask me how I can manage five children, write a blog, send out articles for publication and run my household.

I have no answer except that I learned discipline and household management as a young child. I hold myself to a high standard of personal excellence.

And frankly, this life I now live is exponentially easier than the one I led inside an abusive, controlling church.

Yes, I have a full life with many children. But I have found rest for my soul. And that makes all the difference.

Comments

[Heather of the EO]

I'm so glad you've found that rest.

[Cara]

I've been doing less internet time, EE, since our new baby arrived, but I wanted to let you know that I still read here as often as I can and enjoy your wonderful writing. Thanks for continuing to share about your history. I have several friends who have similar backgrounds, and I think I am slowly gaining insight into their lives as I read here.