I'm not a particularly spiritual person. I can't drum up mystical feelings. Most of the time I don't "feel" God near me. And also, I dislike going to church.
But I go anyway.
It's almost like going on a diet. I don't want to restrict my caloric intake, but I force myself to do it anyway. I'll never want to exercise. But I do it anyway.
It takes effort to keep the bitterness and cynicism at bay. I find myself sitting through a sermon criticizing everything and getting fidgety. I think up sarcastic Tweets, doodle on the church bulletin.
You know, generally acting like a stubborn child.
"You need to get over yourself," Matt says to me. He has a point. I place great importance on my own thoughts and feelings. But I can be ridiculously dismissive of the thoughts and feelings of others.
Last week after a particularly dismal failure in character, I found myself shaking my fist (metaphorically) at the sky.
I imagine God got a good chuckle out of my tantrum. I mean, did I really think I was better than anyone else? Did I really think myself immune to the same failures and breaches of integrity that plague all of us?
I called up a friend--who happens to be a priest--and started arguing with him. Thankfully my friend knows that arguing is how I figure stuff out and he doesn't take it personally. Also, he's unafraid to argue back.
Which can be frustrating. And annoying. I want validation and sympathy. Not cold, hard truth.
"I'm gonna quit calling you," I said. "Because you say the same thing every time."
"What's that?" he asked.
"You tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself, cheer up and start praying for others."
He laughed. "Well, I'm preaching to myself, too," he said.
I'm finding that most of my angst can be directly correlated to lack of prayer. I neglect prayer because I'm not good at it. But I should know better.
Have I forgotten that the only thing that brought me through the first two years of my twins' lives was prayer? It was sink or swim. Prayer helped me swim. Prayer was my source of strength.
If I wait around until I feel like praying--I'll never pray. Truth is, I'm never going to evolve past the point of needing to pray.
Most of the time I just have to do it in spite of my stubborn, complaining self.
