ElizabethEsther.com

Crying about Oprah

I had a dream about Oprah last night. She gave me a big hug and then asked me sit on her couch and talk about my book. In my dreams I burst into tears and was all: OH MY GOODNESS, I'M SITTING ON OPRAH'S COUCH AND CRYING! I AM SUCH A CLICHE!

And then I woke up and really started crying because her show is ending next year.

Oprah's show was one of the first shows I watched after leaving our strict, fundamentalist church. I grew up without a TV. Watching Oprah was my introduction to American TV.

At first, she irked me. I was distrustful of people who expressed their emotions so openly. I thought she was weak and vain. I judged her for not being able to control her weight.

But even so, Oprah mesmerized me. I loved the way she loved. I'd always wanted the freedom to feel and to express how I felt. Oprah felt with such ease. Slowly, I began to admire her.

When we got DVR, I recorded all her shows and even when I strongly disagreed with her--I kept watching.

I had been raised to stuff, mask or hide my feelings. After leaving the church, I had a difficult time untangling my feelings because I didn't even know what my feelings were. Therapy helped me identify the difference between guilt and shame, anger and regret.

Oprah helped me have the courage to love and to speak my story.

I began to realize that the harsh, critical mindset of the abusive, controlling church where I'd been raised had almost prevented me from being able to feel. Oprah was so human, so OK with feeling the normal, human feelings.

That's when I realized that allowing myself the freedom to feel takes courage. It's a risk.

In that regard, Oprah is one brave lady. Her ability to connect with so many different people from so many different walks of life is a remarkable gift--one that is strengthened through much practice.

Perhaps every writer harbors the secret hope of having Oprah pick their book for her book club. I never dared to hope that because I never thought I'd have the courage to write the book about my fundamentalist past.

But this year I started writing my book. It's been one of the most difficult tasks I've ever undertaken. It's 8 million times harder than writing this blog!

The Oprah show will be over before I finish writing this book, but I'll never forget how much she inspired me.

And, dude. I'm totally gonna miss her show!

OK, 'fess up. Do you like Oprah, too? Why or why not?

Things I Don't Understand About TV.

1. Why Miracle Whip commercials try to make mayonnaise look all edgy and rock n' roll. And why they "won't tone it down." Um. Huh?

2. Why "Breaking News" on 24 hr. news shows is preceded by loud, frightening musical intros. Nowhere else can respectable people cry wolf over and over.

3. Why Sean Hannity hasn't blown a blood vessel in his neck yet.

4. Why people even watch Sean Hannity.

5. Why someone who is senile still has a job co-anchoring a morning show. Regis, time to retire.

6. How people can live without DVR or TiVo.

7. Drug commercials. Ask your doctor about Chantix. But if you go blind, have a massive seizure, experience kidney failure or die--you should stop taking Chantix.

8. Why I wasted so much time watching Jon & Kate Plus 8.

9. Why the writers of Lost intentionally try to mess with my brain.

10. An androgynous, purple dinosaur named Barney. Who sings and occasionally wears a pink tu-tu.

11. And why my twins looove him/her.

12. Why people find my blog by searching for "hot Duggar girls." I don't think Jim Bob would approve.

13. Speaking of the Duggars, congratulations to Michelle on #19.

14. Why I can't stop watching Oprah. And why can she make me cry?

15. How I wish they had a Project Runway for writers. And how much meaner it would be.

16. Why I get a very freaky, creepy, goose-bumpy feeling every time I watch Big Love.

17. How glad I am that I grew up without a TV. And how I wish I could get rid of it today.

18. Why Michael Vick hasn't been exiled to a remote island. Full of flesh-eating mosquitos.

19. Why USC football makes me deliriously happy.

20. How much I'd love to host my own TV show. And how I'd invite bloggers to be my guests.

The Bachelorette, Jon & Kate Plus 8, The Duggars, and getting rid of my fake nails.

So, I got rid of my fake nails. They were just irritating me to the point of distraction. When I went into the salon, the nice lady tried to talk me out of it. But I was like: You don't understand. I haven't been able to TEXT FOR LIKE A MONTH! Who lives like this????

So, that was that. Now I can floss my teeth without stabbing my gums or lacerating the inside of my cheek. Most importantly, my real nails do a better job scratching itchy backs. At least, that's what Matt says. He should know. I scratch his back every single morning.

Anyway, moving on. We sat on the couch, eating pie and watching The Bachelorette. You know, it's called Date Night At Home.

"We need to stop eating pie," Matt said.

"I know."

But we kept eating pie.

"This is a stupid show," Matt said.

"I know," I said.

But we kept watching.

"Instead of fantasy dates, they need to spend a week at our house," Matt said.

I laughed so hard, I almost choked on my pie.

"Anyone can have a good time repelling off the Bonaventure hotel," Matt said. "But can they change diapers, supervise homework, cook meals and STILL wanna go to bed together?"

Good point. Except, I think THAT reality show is called Survivor.

On to Jon & Kate Plus 8. I admit, I was hoodwinked. I wanted to believe Kate budgeted and saved and scrimped. Now we find out that she was given all kinds of free stuff, that each episode revolved around what Kate wanted--washing machines! trips to the museum! food! tummy tucks! hair plugs! And somehow, she thinks she has excellent parenting advice to give? How sad. I wish TLC would pull the plug on the show. It just feels wrong to watch this train-wreck.

The Duggars: Boorrrrriiiing. Not even spunky cousin Amy can rescue this show. I think the novelty and shock value of "how do they raise 18+ kids?" has worn off. Now we're left watching Jim Bob schlepp the kids to the dentist. FUN! But I would certainly listen to their parenting advice over Kate Gosselin's, wouldn't you?

and on a different note...The Bachelorette! YAY!

We watched the Bachelorette last night. The Bachelor/Bachelorette shows were one of the first shows I watched when we got a TV in '03. I have to admit: I LOVE THIS TRASHY TV SHOW! Mostly because I can indulge in sarcastic commentary without remorse.

Matt and I like to have a running commentary during the entire "Bachelorette" show. We also like to get ideas for fantasy vacations we will NEVER take.

So, anyway, I kept elbowing Matt, slapping his leg, howling hysterically and making lots of snide, snarky comments.

Eventually he was like: "Um, can you pipe down?"

Which made me say: "I should be Twittering during the show!"

Yet another VALID reason for a laptop, no?

Alas, Matt did not agree.

So, here were my unTwittered thoughts:

1. The guys: the usual grab-bag of narcissists, self-promoters, break-dancers, fetishists and man-boys. Gag! There were like maybe TWO decent guys. But all in all, the typical trash. Oh, but it's so much YUMMIER this way!

2. The girl: like her! Smart, funny, ambitious with a cute lil' Canadian accent! I am a little worried that she might not be able to hold her liquor.

3. Man-fights: I can't wait to see the guys get all competitive over Jillian. It's so much nicer to watch men brawling over a woman than watching women cat-fighting over a man. Just sayin'.

4. The first impression rose: Matt thought the guy who "lost his words" when he first met Jillian was a faker. I'm not so sure. I thought the guy legitimately got nervous. But you never can tell. He might turn out to be a total sleeze ball.

5. 30 guys? I thought that was a little overkill. But we'll see. My initial favorite is the 31 year old airline pilot (what's his name?) and Juan the general contractor.

Can't wait to watch it! Anyone else watching Bachelorette?

Hot Diggity Duggars: The Wedding.

Some of this season's episodes have felt like product placement infomercials. Thankfully, not the wedding episode. In fact, the wedding was sweet--in a corny-Duggar kind of way. Especially the part where Josh busts out into a full-vibrato love song at the end of the ceremony. That was so cheesy and also so...guileless.

The entire family is so simple and sincere that sometimes it's hard to believe that good, honest people like the Duggars really exist. It's a remarkable act of courage for them to put their very non-mainstream lifestyle on display. It also provides a visible example to younger families that living differently in a secularized culture is possible--and can be done successfully. That's encouraging for those of us who are raising large families.

I particularly enjoyed seeing the entire church community rally around the young couple. It was great to see the generosity from Anna's church family. It was clear that this church valued the sanctity of marriage and offered it's unflinching support. No-one said, "oh, they're too young!" Everyone seemed to accept and support the validity of their commitment to each other.

That said, I did feel like some of the "no kissing until the wedding day!" was too scripted. For those of us who come from conservative backgrounds, practicing chaste behavior is nothing new. But I suppose the no-kissing issue sparked audience interest, so the producers hyped it up.

I was a little confused by the marriage vows which included a commitment to "allow the Lord to decide our family size." It appears Josh & Anna will be following in their parents' footsteps. Which is great--but do all these folks publicly announce their intention never to space their children? And why?

Lastly, my favorite part of the show was when the flower girls were wheeled down the aisle in a decorated wagon. That was such a cute idea!

I guess it's official. I'm hooked on the Duggars. Is anyone else?

Hot Diggity Duggars--Part 2!

OK, since I've already shared my concerns, it's time to gush about the show. Because I AM a fan, people. I'm also a critical thinker. It IS possible to be both. So there. :-)

I gotta say, my favorite Diggity Duggar is Jinger. She's spunky, dramatic and has a great sense of humor. I was cracking up watching her learn to drive a stick shift. I thought Jim-Bob did a great job remaining calm while giving her driving tips. Cousin Amy was just plain annoying with all the shrieking and hollering: BRAKE! BRAKE! Poor Jinger. She should've reached over, opened the door and let Amy fall out onto the grass. Mwah-ha-ha.

I'm harboring a secret hope that Jinger will be the one to get a college education and become a missionary nurse. Or just get really rebellious and cut her hair and start wearing jeans. Heh.

My other favorite Diggity Duggar is Josiah. He built a very clever cardboard robot. I loved the pulley system he rigged up and thought the whole "unselfish" pinata was pretty cute. I've always despised the greedy rush for candy that ensues after a pinata is broken open. The Unselfish Pinata is a great idea.

The family fashion has improved. Michelle's blouses are cuter--the short, puffed sleeves and empire-waisted pregnancy shirts are more attractive. She's wearing a little more makeup, too, which is nice. It looks like the older girls permed their long hair. They all look pretty n' sweet. Still, a sassy little bob-cut would be nice on at least one of 'em. I'm just saying.

To her great credit, Michelle keeps very calm when disciplining her children. At one point, Jackson was sitting in a chair "learning how to sit still." Michelle said she doesn't use time-outs as punishment. So, I'm curious how she metes out punishment because most fundamentalist families I've met spank their young children. Not that we'd see that on the show. But still, I'm curious how she raises such obedient children.

The Duggars' most admirable trait is their discipline. Obviously they have worked hard for what they have---both materially and in the character of their children. None of the children are overweight, they are all remarkably cheerful, they seem to genuinely enjoy each other's company and everyone does their share of work. They are also debt-free. These are amazing accomplishments and although I may ask tough questions, I certainly don't begrudge them their hard-earned success.

As cousin Amy said, she's still waiting to see Michelle have a bad day. Even a cynic like me can't argue with results like that.

Do you have a favorite Duggar? What helpful ideas have you learned while watching their show? Please share!

Hot Diggity Duggars!

"17 Kids and Counting" is a reality TV show that broadcasts Monday evenings on TLC. It's the conservative, homeschooling, big-family answer to MTV's The Osbornes. Instead of the rebellious, unhappy, swearing, rock n' roll Osborne kids, the Duggar children are cheerfully obedient and gladly join in family sing-a-longs. It's astonishing, compelling and downright fascinating TV.

It's also lucrative.

With a family of their size, the product placement possibilities are endless. Laundry detergent! Antibacterial hand wash! Tater tots!

Holy cash cow, Batman!

On last night's show, Jim Bob (the dad) did a not-so-subtle product pitch for a bathroom cleaning detergent. Works great and doesn't scratch surfaces!

Note to producers: Jim Bob needs some coaching on looking natural.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy the Duggars' show. They're debunking the postmodern myth that children are a burden, family life is tedious and women who choose this lifestyle do so for lack of options. Good for them! They deserve to make money from this valuable public service. I just wish it could be a little less obvious. And a little more honest.

Here's why: the Duggars are a unique product. They are controversial--which translates into higher ratings.  They are still growing and their first son is getting married---really high ratings.

And the kicker? The Duggars have a perfect life. At least, as far as I can see. It's what I can't see that troubles me.

Because while I enjoy watching the Duggars organize their household, do their chores, load up for trips--I often wonder: yeah, but where's their real life?

Where's the prodigal son who defies his father and runs away from home? Where's the daughter longing for a college education? Where are the children who meltdown in the grocery store? Where's the mother who admits that sometimes she feels like a failure?

Instead, we get a lot of Jim Bob telling everyone to "LOAD UP!" And everyone falls in line.

That saddens me. Because The Duggars, unlike The Osbornes, are representing Christianity. In some small way, they are selling the gospel. If Christians pretend to live perfect lives, we make a mockery of our faith. And worst of all, we proclaim to a hurting world our glaring lack of compassion.

"We're Christians! We're happy! Everything is great! PRAISE THE LORD AND LOAD UP!"

Perfection is a burden none of us were meant to bear.

Imagine how heavy it is for the Duggar children. Is the family testimony (and dollars?) at stake? Do the Duggars have a vested interest in making conservative, homeschooling families look good?  One might even say they are being paid not to fail.

The thing is, if the Duggars allowed their real life struggles to play out on TV (think Jon & Kate plus 8), they wouldn't lose their audience---they would gain a stronger following. Because there are deeply conservative families all across this nation who are struggling with real-life. Some are discouraged. Some have children who have fallen away from the faith. These families would like nothing more than to live the perfect Duggar life. 

See, I'm not suggesting the Duggars need to air their dirty laundry (maybe they really are perfect). In some ways it's unfair to impose my postmodern narrative on their clearly anti-postmodern lifestyle.

I'm just saying the Duggars are being paid to share their life. In fact, I may buy products they endorse. That is precisely why I think the Duggars have a responsbility to be more honest--for the sake of the gospel and for the sake of their children.

It's not difficult to let people see your frail humanity. But it does require humility.

The Duggars have the guts to be on TV. Do they have the guts to keep it real?

Dancing With The Stars: Week 2

If you're feeling sad, just go watch Warren Sapp dance. Seriously, you will feel so much better!

When's the last time you saw a 300 lb. NFL player whip across the stage, his feet flashing like lightening? It's stunning! He's a real man who's not afraid to shake what his Mama gave him. And he's actually good at it! I'm thrilled he's staying another week. To the FINALS, baby!

Thank goodness his was one of the last dances because I had been gagging over the Lance Bass dance/kiss. BLECH! Len Goodman agreed with me, of course. He even called Lance an "old sausage!" I have no idea what that means, but I still laughed. Is "old sausage" an English thing?

Kim Kardashian proved AGAIN that she can't dance. Her hips were as frozen as mine. After 6 weeks of bedrest! She deserved to go home. I have to say I was surprised--I thought for sure voters would toss the old girl, Cloris Leachman.

Cloris cracks me up. Her partner can never get a word in edgewise! She has enough spunk to run the whole show. I hope I have that much energy at 82. Cloris might just become my second favorite.

The Jessica Simpson appearance was annoying. Like why does she make out with the microphone? BLECH! Matt thinks the only reason people still let her sing publicly is because she's dating Tony Romo. And also, ABC needs to make money with promo tie-ins.

Yep, my husband watches DWTS with me. We like to keep up a running commentary during the show. Fun stuff.

Annnnd..that's a wrap on my recap!

[Did your fave move on? Who do you think danced the best? Are you actually voting? Please share!]

My Recap: Dancing With The Stars.

I admit it. I like Dancing With The Stars. As a child I was told that dancing was sinful--it leads STRAIGHT to fornication!!!--so of course. I LOVE DANCING!

Yes, the costumes are skimpy. Yes, some of the dancing is provocative. But, hot dog! How can you not love Warren Sapp bustin' a move and winking away at the judges?

But three nights of DWTS was too much. I skipped the middle night and watched the highlights on the third. Some thoughts:

1. Kim Kardashian can't dance. Also, she can't speak intelligently. This doesn't matter. She's pretty and a "reality TV star." Is this the season DWTS becomes a popularity contest? Rats.

2. How long can the cantankerous, old lady shtick work for Cloris Leachman? My bet is one more week.

3. Is Warren Sapp the new Emmit Smith? Let's put it this way, I like him whole lots better than ex-N'Sync-er Lance Bass. Oh, baby, bye-bye-bye.

4. Brooke Burke. Why oh why can't I look like that after 4 pregnancies? Weight Watchers, here I come.

5. Cheryl Burke: yeah, she gained some poundage. I like her better that way. Food is good, curves are our friend. Weight Watchers, nevermind.

6. Misty May: hoo-boy. Sun damage is an ugly beast. I felt like slathering SPF on my own face that night, in the dark, indoors. At least she was wearing more clothing than her Olympic beach volleyball outfit. Sheesh.

Disclaimer: Yes, I tried to get rid of my TV. But I am a weak, human being. I can only read so much Jonathan Edwards before my brain sponataneously combusts. Even hard-core English majors need brain candy.

[What shows are you watching this Fall? Feel free to suggest or rave about your faves!]