In this excellent piece, Lauren Rankin explains that feminism is a “movement to eradicate gendered oppression, to highlight women’s voices and experiences, and to challenge restrictive and constructed gender norms.”
Ending patriarchal oppression isn’t just good for women–Lauren points out–it’s good for men, too. This is because “patriarchy doesn’t just privilege men over women, but privileges certain kinds of men and certain kinds of masculinity.”
This made me want to stand up and cheer. Feminism is good for ALL OF US.
I know the word “feminist” has been dragged through the mud (in the past, I’ve dragged it there, myself!). But I’ve made peace with the word feminist, I even dare call myself a Christian feminist now. And I’m thankful for the men who, by virtue of their support for my words and work, are unashamed to stand with women like myself as we fight for freedom for ALL OF US.
The above article got me thinking about the men in my life who have been willing to examine their own privilege and also, support me as I write about my experiences. These are men who trust me to know my own mind and let me speak for myself. As Rankin explains:
The feminist movement needs male allies, but we need male allies who listen, who trust us, who support us. We need male feminist allies who will challenge their friends and male social circles, who will defend us without sidelining us, and who will continue to call out sexism when they see it.
I spent the first 25 years of my life in a highly patriarchal system which routinely oppressed women, children and other men who did not “fit” the mold. I also internalized this system and began to believe in it. In many ways, I even perpetuated the abuse.
But I am deeply grateful for the feminists (both women and men) who helped challenge my thinking–even when it was deeply uncomfortable for me. It has been a long process of deconstruction and I still have a long way to go. But I want to pause for a moment offer a word of gratitude particularly to those men in my corner of the world who have been a feminist ally to me, personally.
These are men who may not even know how much I’ve appreciated their kindness, support and friendship. I probably haven’t taken the time to thank them personally. These men are pastors, authors, bloggers, activists, businessmen, lawyers. In some way or another, these men have helped, encouraged or supported me.
My gratitude goes out to the following men in my corner of the world: (This list is not exhaustive so please add to it! I’m mostly just listing off the top of my head the men who have played active role here on my blog or social media–but if you’re a supportive male reader who rarely comments–or you’re a regular reader whose husband supports my writing or you know someone I’ve left off this list–be sure to add those names in the comment box!):
My husband, Matt
Matthew Paul Turner Aaron Billard Bob Hamp Jason Boyett Josh Riebock
David Drury Allan Thompson Micah Murray Kevin Shoop Pedro Rosario Lyle Brooks Scott Morizot Father Christian
David Kopp Seth Haines Preston Yancey Mark Szewczak Rob Stennett Abraham Piper
Zach Hoag David Creech Fred Clark (aka Slacktivist) Henry Imler Steve Burks
THANK YOU!
Elizabeth Smart & the life-threatening danger of shame-based purity culture
*trigger warning: rape, victim blaming*
I read an interesting line in the New Yorker yesterday, describing an important characteristic about one of the kidnapped girls who was recently rescued in Cleveland:
She had to never forget that who she was mattered.
This line haunts me, especially when juxtaposed against the despair Elizabeth Smart felt after she was kidnapped:
What is the difference between a kidnapped girl who actively looks for escape and the one who does not? One possible answer: she knows and owns her inherent worth.
I realize there are many contributing factors but we can’t underestimate the importance that a girl believes she is important. She believes she matters. She never forgets who she is and that who she is matters. She has an unshakeable belief that no matter what happens to her in captivity, SHE is always valuable.
When I started writing about the harmful effects of purity culture, I overlooked one of the most terrible, unintended consequences: when you teach young women that her identity and worth is tied to her virginity, you make her more vulnerable to despair if she is raped and thus, reduce her chance of survival.
A despairing rape victim is less likely report her rape. A despairing kidnap victim is less likely to actively seek escape. Because what would be the point? Why would it even be worth screaming about? Why would it even make a difference if you are rescued? Your life still has no value.
A girl who is raised in purity culture and then is raped may eventually realize that the parenting methods her parents used essentially conditioned her to be… a victim of non-consensual sex. And why would a purity-culture-girl report her rape when, as Jori’s story shows, she’d just be blamed for it anyway: “This sort of thing doesn’t happen to godly girls,” [her parents] told her. “You put yourself in a situation for this sort of thing to happen.”
Even for girls who are not raped or sexually molested but who grew up hearing the shame-based messages of purity culture, the resulting despair can have long-term negative effects on their married sex lives. I’ve received emails from young women who, because they had so internalized the message that My Worth Can Be Measured By My Virginity, felt horrifically guilty after “losing their virginity” on their wedding night. Some of these women still do not enjoy sex. Others have yet to experience an orgasm.
As one of my own friends said to me: “If you’ve been told your whole life no-no-no about sex, how do you just flip that switch after you’re married to yes-yes-yes?”
Ultimately, purity culture isn’t about sex, it’s about control. It’s about burrowing inside a woman’s heart and soul and mind to control how she views her body, her worth and whether she is lovable. Of course, this is done with the best intentions: protecting young women from unnecessary heartbreak.
But by using shame-based messages about sex, purity culture proponents actually expose their daughters to other kinds of danger: learned helplessness and a debilitating despair that prevents them from believing they are inherently valuable, no matter what they do and no matter what happens to them.
Believing she is valuable–no matter what–may literally save her life.