By 2pm, I'd had 8 contractions in one hour. My new OB sent me to the hospital.
I had yet another Urinary Tract Infection, a yeast infection and I was dehydrated.
They IV'd me, pumped me full of rehydrating fluids, gave me an IV dose of antibiotics, and did a Bio Physical Profile on the twins. The twins looked wonderful--good tone, strong heartbeats, kicking.
Eventually, the contractions slowed.
I was released from the hospital that evening with instructions to rest, rest, rest. And drink lots of water.
Drinking water I can do. Resting with three other children to manage?
Um...I can try?
Dearest hubby did the lion's share of work this morning---breakfast, making lunches, shuttling children to school--and I lay in bed and tried not to cry.
OK, I couldn't help it. I cried.
Because I was forced to stop. To slow down. To not check off all the 'to-do's' on my list.
And something else was happening, too. The Lord was chastising me.
This pregnancy has humiliated me by exposing what a sham my faith can be. How easily the glib cliches roll off my tongue to other Christians: "prayin' for ya!" "Just trust the Lord!" "Jesus loves ya!"
I am not comforted by a Christianity that tells me if I come to Jesus I will obtain peace, joy, prosperity--as if faith in Christ is the latest, greatest product guaranteeing personal success and happiness.
I don't want the nice things that Jesus can give me. I want Jesus Himself.
I want a faith that abides when the storms of life dash all my hopes, plans, dreams, sense of self.
But if I am content to tolerate my sin, if I don't think I need to change, then why would I need Jesus?
Finally, after many tears--and beating the pillows in frustration--I simply began to confess my sin. I also asked my husband to forgive me for the ways I that I have been selfish, anxious and hypocritical.
I don't feel all better---or magically transformed. But I'm not after a feeling. My aim is to be able to say with the Psalmist:
"I will sing to the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have my being. Let my meditation be pleasing to Him; As for me, I shall be glad in the Lord." Ps. 104:33-34
p.s. I closed the comments to this post not because I don't love reading your responses (I think I like them too much!), but because I don't want to diminish the rebuke the Lord gave me by seeking comfort or validation through your encouraging words. What I want to know is: is He enough for me? And perhaps instead of commenting you might ask yourself the same: is He enough for you?