Eau de Poo
I went to switch loads of laundry only to discover the freshly washed clothes smelled like poop. Thinking I could solve this problem with like 8 sheets of fabric softener, I crammed the clothes in the dryer. That's when I discovered:
- You can't cover up poop smell.
- Check the washer before you add another load: there's probably a toddler-sized poop pellet in there somewhere.
This is also the day two of my kids left important schoolwork at home which meant I needed to find a way to get these things back to school. That's when I discovered the true meaning of the following facts:
- You only have one car.
- Your husband took that car to work.
This is also the day I cried out my monthly quota of tears because a.) my site went down again last Friday and all my latent abandonment issues roared back to life and b.) it may or MAY NOT be that time of the month. This is when I discovered:
- Pretending you don't have a monthly period will only result in you being caught unawares.
- And in the elementary school bathroom? They don't sell no tampons.
This is also the day I worked for three hours on next week's column and when my husband came home for lunch he asked me if I'd just been sitting around reading all day. This made me burst into frantic, hyperventilating sobs, whereupon he asked me if I was on my period. To which I wailed:
- NO! OF COURSE NOT! WHATEVER GAVE YOU THAT IDEA?????
- AND EVEN IF I AM, THAT DOESN'T INVALIDATE ANYTHING!
To which he replied: "Awesome. I'm going to go make a sandwich, then."
He's a smart man. And I? I threw myself upon the couch pillows and wept bitterly. Until he came back in the room offered to take me out for a Starbucks. This is when I perked up, wiped the tears from my eyes and said:
- Does this mean you still love me?
- Because if so, I'd like a double-tall, 2% mocha with no whip, please!
Now, if only I can figure out a way to get that poop smell out of my clothes....