SNOWMAGEDDON! a handy guide to stockpiling in case you get Left Behind. Er, snowed in.

Let me preface this by saying my definition of "Weather" is 62 degrees and lightly raining. I start grumbling about the weather as soon as I have to exchange my flip-flops for closed-toe shoes. And I know it's REEEEALLLLY bad when I have to put on a sweatshirt. This is California, land of a bazillion accidents on the freeway when it barely starts to sprinkle. Welcome!

But I don't think we're the only ones who exaggerate about the weather. Tonight on CNN, some doofaloo reporter was out on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago getting blown all over the place and yelling into his mic about this blizzard being THE WORST EVER IN ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY! LOOK! LIGHTNING!

All of this to say, I know NOTHING about stockpiling for Actual Weather. But I do know a little something about stockpiling for Armageddon. BECAUSE WHICH IS MORE LIKELY IN MY LIFETIME? Armageddon, duh!

I would also like to note here that just because you are a Christian doesn't mean you're a generous, kindly stockpiler. Oh, my heck, no! You are going to STRIP those Wall-Mart shelves of EVERY.LAST.PROTEIN.BAR because, OBVIOUSLY, ain't no time for Mr. Nice Guy when the four horseman are comin' to town, yo!

So, here's my handy guide to stockpiling for Armageddon (and the unlikely event of Actual Weather):

  1. Survival Manuals: these instructional booklets will help qualm your fears using inspirational quotes and Bible verses. Ideally, they'll also provide step-by-step instructions for killing your neighbors in order to takeover their stockpiles. How else are you supposed to survive seven years of plagues and beheadings?
  2. Gold, jewelry, trade-able goods. Credit cards are out, mark of the beast is in. Don't forget to pry out Granny's gold fillings!
  3. Hand-crank radio: End of the world or not, you still need your Rush Limbaugh.
  4. Canned goods, water and seeds for growing your own food: Because the most important thing you'll be thinking about in a post-Rapture world is sowing your own wheat field.
  5. Gasoline & Weapons: Tear out your rose garden and fill it with plastic gallons of gasoline. Hint: keep the guns and ammo at least 50 feet away.
  6. Underground bunker: for the truly committed, this neat little fortress should house medicines, first-aid supplies and ninja swords. Chances are you'll need to go all samurai on the Anti-Christ.

Let's help each other out, shall we? Before I come takeover your stockpile, I'd like to know how good it is. What else do we need in a proper stockpile? DO SHARE!!