It's my birfday, so why don't I feel like celebrating? {an ENFP tells all}

I'm gonna be 34 on March 10th. I gotta be honest, it's been a rough week and I'm not really in the mood for celebrating. I usually feel all happy, excited and cheery on my birfday. In years past I've even done giveaways. But this year? I just feel like crawling under the covers and sucking my thumb until it all goes away. In the last week this happened:

  1. Our only family vehicle lost its transmission. Then our warranty refused to cover it.
  2. I ate Indian food and got food poisoning.
  3. My editor got laid off.
  4. This week topped a historic high of unsubscribes from my blog and several petty, mean-spirited emails.
  5. I agreed to go to church with the family. No sooner did we sit down than I started panicking. I really love being the family mental patient <snark>.

But it wasn't all bad. Here's why:

  1. We were able to trade in our Suburban for another used Suburban with less miles.
  2. I now know that spicy Indian food does not agree with my stomach.
  3. My new-and-improved column is doing well. I'm taking it one week at a time.
  4. Despite all the negative emails, I did get a bunch of positive, healing ones.
  5. I didn't have to leave church alone. My husband left with me. We ended up having coffee and awesome conversation in the parking lot. A mini-date!

Still, I'm not feeling super celebratory. I feel sorta wrung out, like a used dishrag. I cried a lot this week (partly from stomach pain, partly from overwhelming feelings of rejection, uncertainty and all my old abandonment issues that came roaring back to life).

Usually I love being an ENFP. But this week what sucked about it is that I seriously felt things way too much. Like, I can literally feel when someone in the room is feeling pain. And somehow, I take on their pain and feel it myself. It's nice to be so intuitive except when it's not. Sometimes I wish I could dial down that internal needle that is set at such a high frequency.

It would be so rad to have just a smidgen of my husband's cool, calm, collected and never ruffled personality. I would really like to have a higher pain threshold, both physically and emotionally. But as it is, emotional pain tends to flood my senses and I can' For whatever reason, I seem to have broken that switch that used to keep it all inside. Now, whether I like it or not--it all just sorta vomits out and I wind up having lame panic attacks in church.

Which begs the question: WHY did I go back to my weekly appointment with torture?

I dunno. I wanted to make everyone happy? The kids kept asking why I wasn't going, I felt guilty, I really want to be normal?....

Anyway, I realize I'm rambling. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!


Ok, I'll stop now. No, I won't. I'm feeling better and better just writing this all OUT!!!

I'm going to end this whole shebang on a positive note. I told my parents I'm like sorta kinda a Catholic now. They were, like, WAY accepting and gracious. You don't understand. THIS.IS.HUGE. I was floored. And then? THEN? My mom brought me this birthday present and she's all: "Here ya go. It's a new 24 Hour Outfit for you!"

Which means two things:

  1. I am loved. (I mean, I KNEW I was loved, but apparently I require lots of affirmation about that: see #9 on this list of ENFP traits).
  2. My mother reads my blog. AND SHE LIKES IT!

So, all's well that ends well.

Sometimes I just wish it wasn't so intense, though, ya know?? Oh, wait. I am ALWAYS intense. Because this is how God made me! I'm an ENFP! WELCOME!

Would you like to tell me you love me? BE MY GUEST! Also, wish me a Happy Birthday? Because, YES! I'm an ENFP who needs approval and appreciation from others! Thank you, I love you, GOOD NITE!

{ahhhh, I feel so much better now!}