It's been an intense week. But it's been an ALIVE week! I've been wrecked, renewed, heartbroken, inspired, crushed, overwhelmed, encouraged.... and I've loved every minute. You must understand that I have never been content with half-measures. Even as a child, I was contrarian by nature. I fought for the hard answers. I wanted full truth, raw honesty. I was never satisfied with platitudes. Adults were often frustrated with me.
People have been getting irritated with me and wishing I would just shut-up since the time I learned to talk. I think my first sentence was probably an argument.
But I'm also a deep lover. I love passionately, unequivocally, completely. I was often told I was "too intense" or "overwhelming." But I feeeeel it so deeply and fully and some of my happiest accomplishments have been making enemies into close friends.
Going to Bolivia has changed my life again. I'm in process of re-examination. I will never be the same again. I will never again be content with half-measures.
Bolivia wrecked my life.
No, God wrecked my life.
Bolivia showed me in excruciatingly stark terms how the way of Christ is narrow, difficult, profoundly heartbreaking. It will probably kill me. I do not like where Christ is leading me.
But I am so in love with Jesus now that I cannot turn back.
What this probably means is that I will write things that make you angry. You will call me judgmental. You will say how disappointed you are. You will pine for the days of yore when what I wrote made you so...comfortable.
I understand. I really do. I have betrayed you because I have gone beyond where you wanted me to go.
For this, I apologize. Believe me, you are not alone. I have frustrated my parents. I have disappointed my husband. I have baffled and dismayed friends.
I'm sorry, but I could not stay where I was. Something called me and I had to follow. I found Jesus in the Eucharist and I found solace in the arms of Mary.
I entered the Catholic Church--one of the most hated institutions on Earth.
I don't know why God is taking me down this road. But I will follow it.
I wish I could go back to easy talk of recipes, scrapbooking and small group Bible studies. But I can't. I can't even go back to being a nice, little blog (was this ever a nice, little blog?).
If this means you cannot read here anymore, I wish you all the best and send you with my fondest farewells. Please know that if we ever meet in person, I will fling my arms around you and apologize for ever offending you. I will wash your feet. I will make you look in my eyes and then I will tell you thank you, thank you, thank you.
And for the rest of you have loved me, supported me, even disagreed with me while STILL loving me---I cherish you, too. Thank you for giving me grace to change, stumble, fall, get up, change my mind, go back on my opinions, falter, move forward, fall back, freak out, get up again.....
I write for you.
all my love, EE.