The mall is trying to kill me (I'm serious!)

I stink at clothes shopping. It just totally overwhelms my ADD brain. There are too many options, especially when it comes to little girl clothes. I'm always in awe of moms who are able to put together color-coordinated, matchy-matchy outfits PLUS accessories like hair-bows and frilly socks.

Where did they learn this skill? How are they able to pull matching pieces of clothing from completely separate merchandise racks? I simply don't have this skill.

I do, however, have the skill of screaming AAAUUUUUUGGGHHHHH!!! while wandering aimlessly through racks and racks of clothing. This embarrasses my children to no end. They know what's coming next: me yanking random pieces of clothing off the racks and throwing them helter-skelter into the cart, running at top speed toward the front of the store yelling: EVACUATE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIE!

My oldest daughter has taken to holding my hand and gently guiding me through breathing exercises while she picks out the outfits for all four of her siblings.

While I follow her around, I start muttering things like: "If only this LAME store would turn DOWN this LAME music I might be able to concentrate on this IMPOSSIBLE task!"

"Mother, just breathe," my daughter tells me. "And please stop chewing on your hair."

This is why I like shopping online. The online store just automatically suggests matching pieces like shirts, leggings or hair accessories. And then you can save your basket and come back later. None of this standing around, hyperventilating and wondering if you've chosen matching outfits at a reasonable price.

My daughter, however, seems to thrive in stores. Yesterday my mother took her shopping. They were gone for FIVE hours. When they arrived home I was all: How did you not DIIIIIE?

Five hours inside a mall is pretty much my worst idea of torture. To my daughter, it's bliss.

I can't understand how GOOD things happen to her in the mall. Whenever I go into a store, something awful is bound to happen. Take, for example, the last time I went into Old Navy. I thought for sure I would find something perfect for my twins (I always go in with high hopes!).

SIDEBAR: Yes, I often dress my twins in matching outfits because honestly? If I find ONE matching outfit, I'm not going to spend any more time trying to find ANOTHER matching outfit. I'll just buy two of the same! BINGO! END SIDEBAR

And guess what? I FOUND SOMETHING AWESOME! I did, I did. I found two ruffly little skirts. And I was all: "YAY! I'm finally mastering this impossible skill called Clothes Shopping For Little Girls!"

But then I washed them.


That's it.

I'm convinced the mall is trying to kill me.