I walked out into an open field today, stood under a spreading California oak tree and forced myself to face my neediness. Right now I am a screaming, writhing, aching ball of need. I hate it. I came home from Bolivia craving comfort, sex, food, affirmation. I sometimes wonder if the greatest opportunity for sin is directly after a major spiritual victory.
Because right after this battle, I am at my weakest. I am tired. I am hungry. I want, want, want and nothing is touching the chasm of need that is threatening to swallow me whole. This is where I am right now and I don't trust myself.
I stood under this tree and I begged God to fill the ache, to fill the need. He didn't.
This is what angers me about God sometimes. Why when I need Him the most is He so silent? I don't want to sin. I don't want to fill my need with something that doesn't truly satisfy and yet....He remains at a distance.
I want to fill myself with His presence, but instead I find myself texting, checking email, trying to connect with others. I gave my heart wholly and without reserve to the people of Bolivia and I have to be honest, I feel...what? Almost entitled to having my heart given back to me.
I want to be touched. Held. I want someone to comfort me.
Am I being selfish?
I started to wonder if maybe I'm depressed, if maybe others ARE trying to connect to me but something inside of me is shutting down? Have I reached terminal emotional velocity? Am I beyond repair?
Sometimes being an ENFP means I am able to build these extravagant and idealistic castles in the clouds. I always have great hopes for my marriage, for my relationships and I pin my every hope on them...I realize this is unfair.
And maybe I'm approaching God with the same set of unfair expectations. Maybe I'm demanding that He meet me in the ways I want? I'm demanding to feel Him. I'm demanding that He meet my need.
What if He's asking me to offer this aching need as a sacrifice of worship to Him?
I didn't want to consider that thought so I started walking again. Sometimes simply moving helps get the junk in my mind unstuck. I put one foot in front of the other. I focused on taking steps.
The crowding need kept trying to burst in: I want comfort! I want sex! I want to be skinny! I want to be pretty! I want heart-friends who accept me unconditionally!
But I'm trying to just accept that this is where I'm at right now. One foot in front of the other. Stepping, stepping. I am needy.
But my need does not have to define me.
So, I tucked my twins into bed. I sang to them. We said our bedtime prayers.
By the time we were done, the need had calmed a bit. It's still there. But it's not screaming at me anymore. I think I'll go take a long hot shower.