Advice Fair-EE: "My husband prefers his friends to me!"

Dear Advice Fair-EE, My husband and I moved to a new city because he's always to live closer to his friends. At first, I was fine with this. But then my husband and his best friend made this goal of not going a day without seeing one another. They've done it so far...for two months. I'm beginning to feel like his friends come before me. I've attempted to explain my feelings to my husband. He keeps brushing me off by saying it's not his intention to put his friends first. But his actions stay the same. How do I get him to realize that just because it's not his intention, his actions say otherwise? Sincerely, Second-Place Wife

Dear Second-Place Wife, Your frustration is understandable because a thriving marital relationship should be prioritized above secondary friendships.

Wanting to see a childhood friend every single day sounds like a goal I would expect my ten year old son to have. Sure, hanging out with friends every day is fun---when you're a kid.

It's healthy and balanced for grown men to have friendships, but mature, married adults don't prioritize friend-time over family time because, well, that's part of being an adult.

Unfortunately, it's not possible for you to "get" your husband to realize the immaturity of his behavior. It is pretty clear that one of his primary goals is to hang out with friends--I mean, if his goal was to put you first, his actions would back that up. Instead, he was willing to uproot your entire lives together and move to a different city in order to accomplish his goal of hanging out with friends. That's a fairly significant statement of intent, I'd say.

What you have to ask yourself is if you two still share the same goals. If the answer is no, then you need to figure out a way to get back on the same page. Is he willing to spend less time with his friends? Say, once a week instead of every day? Are you willing to stand up for yourself and let him know that his dismissal of your legitimate concerns is damaging to the relationship?

A good marriage requires both partners working together. If one partner drops their responsibilities, this negatively impacts the relationship. If the stonewalling continues, I would definitely suggest couples' counseling.

My heart hurts for you and I hope all the best, Much love, The Advice Fair-EE


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