Wearing my heart on my sleeve
I wear my heart on my sleeve. Not by choice but by choosing. This is how God made me: heart exposed, heart vulnerable, heart sensitive.
The stark reality: control is an illusion. I've worked very hard to control everything. To protect my heart from breaking, to save myself from suffering. But this is how God made me, heart exposed. My only safety: heart surrender.
Interruptions are maddening. They happen without my permission. Interruptions show up uninvited and casually alter the course of my life.
Interruptions are only inconvenient when I want life to happen differently.
An anxious heart is vulnerable to outside voices. A surrendered heart is delicately vulnerable to the still small voice.
I wake up obsessing. My mind at war with my heart. If only this or that were resolved, all will be well. But the problem is not any specific situation. The problem is a fraught, fearful mind, intentionally seeking an object of obsession. My only peace: return to my surrendered heart.
I abuse my mind. I have compassion for myself. Hyper-vigilance was a necessary coping mechanism I adopted as a child. I honor it. It helped me survive my dysfunctional environment. But I am safe now. God, help me replace my need to be afraid with a need to be at peace. God, let me rest in a heart quietly surrendered, quietly trusting in You.
Strength lies in quiet trust, salvation in calm waiting. Isaiah 30: 15b.
Before I distract myself with the Internet, TV, food, sex or needless drama---HALT. Am I Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? Answer this first. Take care of my REAL needs instead of medicating/numbing my heart.
God is the interruption. I will hurtle myself into full-blown self-destruction seeking to medicate the pain, but God....
But God. God interrupted me. God is the interruption. Jesus, Divine Interruption in humankind's hurtle toward self-annihilation.
The interruptions are Grace.
Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth and forevermore. Psalm 113:2
"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart..." But Mary. Mary allowed the interruption. Mary embraced the Divine Interruption. Mary bore the Divine Interruption in her womb. Mary lived a surrendered heart.
Mary wore her heart on her sleeve.