Oh my gosh, people. How the---what the--who the---HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT BREAD??????
I mean, I know "man cannot live by bread along" (har-har) but I seriously feel like my brain is trying to crawl out of my ears. I woke up with a POUNDING headache this morning and I would give anything for an Empire State Building of hot, sourdough bread.
I'm only on Day 2 but I want to kick Paleo in the face. Right after I eat these stupid carrots.
I posted this picture on Instagram, and the lovely "Sorta Crunchy Megan" (which is what I call her in my brain) pointed out to me that I didn't have enough fat. OH. IS THAT WHY I FEEL LIKE I'M DYING?
I blame it on my ENFP brain. I'm forever getting all inspired, diving headfirst into things and then waking up on Day 2 going: OH. MY. WORD. WHAT THE HUCKITY-HUCK DID I GET MYSELF INTO? Well, EE, maybe you aren't eating enough FAT.
So, I remedied that this morning by eating BACON. Because, whoa. Apparently, when you're on El Paleo Dieto you can eat BACON. My new catchphrase: "I'm gonna Paleo that." Meaning, Imma pop some bacon on that and call it Paleo.
Ok, OK. So I'm not a PALEO PURIST. I'm not what you might call a PALEO FUNDAMENTALIST. Excuse me for LIVING.
The point is, I realized something needed to change. Please click away now if you don't like TMI. It's about to get all TMI up in here.
Ever since I was a kid, I've suffered from constipation. Just constantly. I also have a very sensitive stomach, a hiatal hernia and once had colitis. SO YOU KNOW. I have tummy issues. The best I've ever felt in my life (food wise) was when I was on the Zone Diet. It's sorta like Paleo in the sense that you eat almost ZERO BREAD. In other words, I hated it. But I felt fantastic! Also, I lost weight without exercise.
In the past few months--pretty much as I neared my book deadline--I packed on at LEAST 7-10 lbs. Because STRESS. Because writing a memoir about your painful life experiences is HUCKITY-HUCK painful.
None of my cute dresses fit. My jeans? NOT EVEN CLOSE. I've been going around in elastic waisted skirts and yoga pants. Sexy.
Now that my book is done and I've rested and Pinterest'd and am starting a new project, I decided it's time to DEAL WID those pesky 10 lbs. You know, right before the holidays. ALWAYS A GREAT TIME TO START A DIET AM I RIGHT?
Wow, I'm writing in all caps a lot. That's what it feels like in my brain right now. Yelling. Lots of yelling. And dreaming of bread. And pasta. Cakes. Cookies. BAKED GOODS PILED HIGH THANK YOU, PALEO, I HOPE I FEEL BETTER TOMORROW!!!
p.s. I tried Paleo once before, about a month ago. I got to Day 7. I got through the headaches and the yuck. And then I was driving along and I just suddenly SWERVED into Taco Bell and snarfed down 3 Taco Supremes and a Large Sierra Mist in like 30 seconds flat. I don't know how that happened.
p.p.s. Since nearing the end of the book, I've been slacking off at bootcamp. This week I realized how much ground I'd lost when I couldn't keep up with ALL THE SLOW PEOPLE. The people who just started? I was WHEEZING behind them. So, I started crying. OF COURSE. And then I said to myself I said: EE? It's OK! You wrote a book! Be gentle with yourself!
p.p.p.s. This is my reading material (WHY IS SHE SMILING? PALEO ISN'T FUN, LADY!!!) Here's hoping I get further than Day 7 and that my constipated tummy feels better and that my 10 pounds just magically melts away. AUUUGGGGHHHH.
Feel free to give me gluten-free tips/meal ideas/online resources, etc!!!! Also, did I mention I feel awful????? Does this mean I'm super addicted to bread? And sugar?????