Complete Home Maintenance for All the Single Ladies

I think we need some levity up in this blog. Because WEEKEND. Today I'm thrilled to bring back the author of A Curvy Girl's Guide to Buying Pants, Kat Ray. Her post has remained in my Top Ten Most Read Posts for nearly 3 years. I'm convinced Kat is an undiscovered comedic genius. She's so super stealth she doesn't even blog. Or, as she says: "I'm so hipster that I'm on some Internet platform you've never heard of, like FaceSnapChatBook, #yoloswag." Today she's writing about the hilarious perils of home ownership. Enjoy! xo. EE.

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All I wanted to do, honest to God, was just touch up some spots on my bedroom wall.

Tan. The color of my wall is tan. I'm a grown woman who has been identifying colors for most of her life, so certainly I can find some paint that MATCHES TAN.

Except I cannot. I've been on a month-long quest for the holy-grail of TAN PAINT because evidently, the color on my bedroom wall was blended by monks in Nepal with the blood droplets of unicorns.

It all started the day before I moved into my newly purchased condo. The former owner informed my realtor that the black headboard in the master bedroom was, in fact, attached to the wall, and didn't I just want to keep it?

As I am not a swinging bachelor from 1978, no, I did not. 

So, the owner removed the headboard, leaving behind some pencil marks and dings on the wall. NO PROBLEM. I actually had a small can of brownish paint, and a small can of white paint. I thought: hey, I'll just mix until I get the correct color, paint over the spots, and go on with my life!

Ha-ha-ha.

The first time I mixed a batch and tried it on the wall, too light. Added some more brown paint. Still too light. Added a bit more brown paint. TOO DARK.

So, now instead of just some pencil marks, the wall looks like it has a rare form of Wall Disease. Fabulous. 

Next idea - color matching iPhone app! Take a picture of the wall, touch the spot that you want to match and....MAGIC! the app tells you what color to pick!

I take 492 pictures until I get one that is close to the actual color of my wall. Problem is, each time I touch a spot, the exact SAME spot on the picture, I get a different color recommendation.

Faint Coral. White Truffle. Intimate White. Gorgeous White. Unfussy Beige. Warming Peach. (Can we talk for a minute about these out of control names for paint? If there's not a Tumblr called "Paint Color or Porn Star? You Decide.", there totally needs to be.) 

In desperation, I email my realtor: Is there any way that the former owner remembers the name or the brand of the paint? He doesn't, but she suggests that if I flake off a paint chip, a paint store can then match the color.

YES! I will just flake off a paint chip and match the color! 

Two quarter size gouges in the dry wall later, I take my baggie of paint chips down to the paint store.  The very nice paint color expert informs me that the PAINT CHIPS AREN'T BIG ENOUGH TO MATCH. I almost lie down and cry in the store.

Taking pity on me, the Paint Matcher Guy gets a folder of paint samples and tries to match the chips to the samples. We think we find a match. He mixes me up a sample jar. At this point, I am very familiar with sample jar. I take it home.....I put some on the wall......

IT'S TOO LIGHT THEPAINTISTOOLIGHT. I start cursing in languages I don't even speak. My dog runs downstairs to post selfies on Petfinder in a desperate attempt to re-home himself. 

In my despair, I remember a suggestion from guy at paint store.  Most times when a room is being painted the light fixtures are removed and a bit of the wall that is covered by the fixture is painted. I could unscrew the light switch plate, cut out of bit of the wall with an exacto knife, and that would probably be a big enough sample to match.

I mean, this is a crazy idea. Nothing about my experience over the past few weeks says that I should attack my light fixture with an Exacto knife. So, of course, I'm totally going to do it.

I WILL MATCH THIS COLOR IF IT KILLS ME.