You guys, I feel all blogged out. All Twittered out. All IG'd out. I wrote the book I wanted to write. I poured my heart and body and soul into it. I'm proud of what I did and then? I had to promote it (btw, my book signing last weekend went AWESOME!). Note to hopeful authors: if writing a book doesn't kill you, promoting it DEFINITELY will. Or maybe not. Maybe that's just me and my ENFP-ness projecting on you. POINT IS, I'm running on empty.
Maybe this is what burnout feels like? Again?
This morning I saw a video that brought such tears of joy to my eyes. It's such a beautiful thing--this spontaneous, amazing, exquisite, unplanned explosion of pure art...of a pure REAL-LIFE moment.
I feel like I'm missing some of these REAL LIFE moments. I've been blogging for nearly 8 years. I've accomplished everything I set out to accomplish--and more. I've made various "top blogger" lists, have thousands of subscribers, lots of page views, have been on TV shows, landed a book deal, published a book....and now? I'm exhausted.
I'm having a mid-blog crisis.
It feels like the goal post has moved. I got where I wanted to be and Whatever I'm Supposed To Feel Now is still out of my reach.
It's like when I lost all that weight, fit into my size 2 dress and was all: "I don't feel any happier now than when I was thirty pounds heavier."
I guess I just don't know what I'm supposed to say anymore. Aren't y'all sick of me yet? Because I'm sick of MYSELF! <-----see that? I even hate that I use all-caps all the time. Ugh. It's so...Internet-y.
I'm so SICK of Internet-ese: THIS. I can't even. ALL the Feelings. This is EVERYTHING.
I feel like social media is destroying my writing ability.
In fact, last year when I was trying to finish my book I had to seriously take a break from Twitter because I had STARTED THINKING IN 144 CHARACTERS.
This scares me. I'm worried I'm killing brain cells.
I'm sick of Twitter and how it becomes vicious in 2.5 seconds. Social media was gonna be this thing that brought everyone together. But the world is more polarized than ever and anyone who tells you Internet fights don't affect you in real life is lying.
Fighting on the Internet exhausts me in real life.
Maybe other people have thicker skin? Or maybe I no longer tolerate high levels of drama in my life?
I'm sick of having to squish my feelings into 140 characters. I'm sick of only seeing my friends ONLINE. I have this friend whom I've been trying to converse with IN REAL LIFE for almost a year and the only time we can connect is if I disagree with her on the Internet.
Is that really even a "friend"? Friends don't talk on the phone anymore, I guess?--not to mention see each other in real life anymore?
This makes me so sad!
I'm sorry, world, but I just don't have a viral post in me every week. Or month. Or year. Everyone talks about their posts going viral as if it's this great thing but they totally forget to mention how exhausting it is, too. It's exhausting getting hate mail--even if the positive mail outnumbers the hate mail. It's exhausting having to moderate and delete nasty comments--even if the positive comments outnumber the negative ones. It's exhausting having to block people on Twitter who just want to pick at you--even if the encouragers outnumber the trolls.
I need to stop complaining now because the Internet and my blog has given me SO MUCH and I truly am grateful. This blog---YOU, my readers--have encouraged me over so many years! I have to tell myself that the Silent Readers are the truly supportive ones. Sometimes I over-focus on the negative people and allow those voices to fill me with self-doubt.
The ones who have been reading me for years and witnessed my ups and downs--and keep reading--THANK YOU.
I'm just worn out and this makes me grumpy.
I'm worn out from feeding the endlessly hungry Internet beast.
I need more real life moments. I need a Summer Break, ya know? I need to re-focus on my recovery. Because if my recovery doesn't come first, everything else suffers.
Mama needs a blog-battical.
So, I'm taking a stack of books, my notebook and favorite pen and heading out to the pool. I'll be reading and writing and dreaming for awhile.
I'll be back when I'm feeling more mEE-ish. (Which, you know, could be tomorrow.)
Until then, READ MY BOOK. And email me. I would love to hear from you! xo. EE.