My very best thinking often lands me in the precarious position of clinging to things I’m supposed to let go of or grasping for things that are not meant for me. Waiting is about trust, it's about taking it one day at a time and it's about learning patience. Waiting is an opportunity for me to find God in the tension of uncertainty.Read More
Apparently one of the side-effects of mood stabilizers is atheism. At least, for me. Somehow, these drugs seem to shut down the God-receptors in my brain.Read More
Lauren was a popular blogger, happily making a living on her inspirational Mommy blog. She never intended on having the affair. She never thought of herself as the kind of person who would do that. But, of course, she WAS that kind of person. She'd wasted five months of her life on a man who didn't deserve five minutes of her time. But at least she was still alive. That other woman-Mikayla-wasn't. Mikayla was dead. Sometimes Lauren didn't know which was worse: losing your life or losing your time. Maybe they were the same thing.Read More
I had a goal: make dinner. I didn’t want my family to have to eat take-out again. I wanted to make dinner. Even if it was the only thing I did all day, I just wanted to make dinner for my family. Small goals are sometimes all I can handle when I’m in a depressive bipolar fog.Read More
Ever since Katherine's death, it's almost as if someone has placed a filter over reality. I no longer see things the way I used to see them. I no longer feel things the way I used to feel them. I didn't expect this upheaval to affect my understanding of God. But it has. How do I know that what I know is true? The only answer I've found is: I don't. I don't know.Read More
The End of the World was supposed to happen last Tuesday. The only thing that’d happened was a Past Due notice landing her mailbox. She was late on rent. Late on utilities. Late on everything. Of course she was; why pay bills when the world was ending? Why check that lump in her breast?Read More
Some of my most meaningful religious experiences happened while I was manic. Which begs the question: were my religious experiences the Holy Spirit or just misfiring neurotransmitters? In other words, were those experiences real? Were they indicative of Ultimate Truth or were they simply the result of, say, an overdose of serotonin?Read More
The saints often talk about "self-forgetfulness" and I think it is an important lesson for me as I learn to live with my mental illness. The saints held everything loosely, including their own lives. The only thing to which they clung was God’s will. And even that, they realized, was not something which they could accomplish in and of themselves but only through the power of the Holy Spirit. Clinging without grasping. Holding fast without needy desperation. There is true freedom in this kind of self-forgetfulness.Read More
Initially, Abilify was a life-saver. My storm-tossed brain was now a glassy-smooth lake. No more psychosis, no more suspicions that the FBI was spying on me, no more paranoia. No more dramatic mood swings. No more mean voices in my head. Eventually, though, I began to notice that not only was I on a glassy smooth lake, but there was no wind in my sails, either. Everything—everything— was flat.Read More
When you're in constant pain or dealing with a never ending, chronic illness—it’s really hard to believe God has some grand purpose for your life.Read More
No, you don’t need a brand new RV. I know you really, really think you've become an outdoorsy person. But that's just the mania talking. How do I know this? Because the real you hates camping. You’re an indoors kind of girl. You like fuzzy socks and indoor plumbing. You like books and crocheting by the (indoor) fire. You require Netflix, a full-size bathtub and a toilet at 2am every night. Camping is not your dealy-o. Just say no to #vanlife.
I know! I know! You’re gonna become a real adventurer! You’re gonna sell everything and live out of a van like all those sexy hipsters on Instagram.
But no, you’re not. Again, that's just the mania talking.Read More
Four days after my trip to the hospital, my psychiatrist asks me if there is a triggering event that led to the downward spiral of my mental health. Basically, it all started nine months ago. The day my best friend died by suicide.Read More
The day I go mad dawns blazing hot.
The heat makes everything worse—like the fact that government agents are spying on me. It’s humbling to admit I have this illness. I would prefer to tell you that I’m actually a really super spiritual person; that my delusions of grandeur and bouts of mania mean I’m a mystic. But nope. I'm just your average, garden-variety crazy person.Read More
2017 was a rough year for me and so I didn't read as many books as I would have liked. But I did read a few really great books and I thought I'd share them with you.Read More
The male hosts inadvertently diminish the voice of the female guest by:
- derailing her talking points with jokes
- diminishing her commentary by going off-topic
- not responding to her points at all, and
- re-centering the conversation on themselves.
What I see in Josh is someone who is trying to do better.
And I just can’t fault him for that. It's a helluva lot more than ANY religious leader I’ve ever called out has done. To be honest, it's healing to see someone take a measure of responsibility and accountability for what they perpetuated—even if their process isn't perfect. Even if, in the process of making things right, they make more mistakes.Read More
Matt is saying words that sound like English but which I don't understand: trowel, vapor-proof stucco-backing, saw-all, channel-lock wrench. I'm following him through the hardware store because I don't want to be at home with my rapidly deteriorating brain. But this world of DIY? It's a foreign, alien wilderness.Read More
When I first started attending a 12-step program, a therapist of mine expressed concern because she said 12-step groups can sometimes function like fundamentalist groups. I disregarded her advice and lived to regret it.Read More