Hello melanoma

It’s been almost two years since I wrote on this, my website. Except in Pandemic Time that’s actually more like five years. I hardly remember the person I was in 2020. I remember stockpiling canned goods and toilet paper. I remember the kids being in Zoom school. But the pandemic is a blur. The pandemic sucked dry all my words. I was empty. I was just trying to survive, to get through this Big Thing that was happening in the world. So, I didn’t write except in my daily private journal.

But here I am. My psychiatrist told me I should write again and he gave me the assignment of writing something every two weeks and then publishing it publicly in order to receive feedback. Except, does anyone blog anymore? And furthermore, will anyone comment? I don’t know. I’m just here doing my assignment.

Here’s one thing I can write about: I’ve kept a plant alive. OK, OK. It’s only been two months but I’m inordinately proud of myself. My sister gave it to me as a birthday gift and all I’ve had to do is water it occasionally. And sometimes, put it next to an open window where I imagine it likes to soak in the natural light. I hope it stays alive. I feel rather protective of the dear little thing now. I want us to grow old together. I don’t know what kind of plant it is. But it’s gotta be of hardy stock if it’s survived 2 months with me. Do you know what kind of plant it is? Feel free to leave me a comment.

Here’s another thing I can write about: melanoma. A few weeks ago, Matt went to the dermatologist. He hadn’t been to a dermatologist since he was a kid. Note to all readers: do not do this. Go see your dermatologist regularly. Anyway, Matt had a mole on his left leg that he’d had since birth. But several months ago we noticed that it was changing shape. We didn’t think it was a big deal but still, Matt decided to get everything checked out.

He went into the dermatologist and she took biopsies of several moles on his skin. Two weeks later she called us and told us that the mole on his leg (the black one) was melanoma. It was a thin melanoma. Only 0.6mm deep. But it was serious because melanoma is an aggressive skin cancer. A week later he went to see a surgeon who specializes in melanoma. A week after that, he was in surgery. It all happened so fast. From the phone call with the dermatologist to the surgery was two weeks.

I didn’t allow myself to worry too much. I did have some worst case scenario imaginations where I envisioned Matt in a hospital bed with stage 4 cancer. But I stopped those thoughts immediately. I have a little worksheet I sometimes use to help me with intrusive thoughts. It basically asks me to write down the “hot thoughts” I’m having, identify what kind of thought it is (catastrophizing, fortune telling, black or white thinking, etc) and then write down a “cool thought” or alternative perspective. It also asks me to identify the emotions I’m having with these thoughts. This helps me think through the problem and see it in a different light. Writing down “cool thoughts” also helps ease the intensity of emotion. It’s called cognitive behavioral therapy and the worksheet is from a book called “Mind Over Mood.” So I used the worksheet several times when I felt my anxiety starting to flare up. I was able to keep my anxiety under control and not freak out. I was able to stay calm for the kids and able to support Matt through his doctor’s appointments and surgery.

Matt had a philosophical response to hearing he had melanoma. He didn’t get emotional. He went to a place of acceptance almost immediately. He said at first he felt a little bit of fear because the news felt surreal and there were a lot of unknowns. But mostly, he was accepting. He said it was out of his hands and he was resigned to whatever had to happen next. He said it did make him feel more grateful for his family and the people in his life. Situations like this clarify what’s most important in life.

Strangely, I felt the most emotional upon seeing Matt after surgery. He was shaking from the effects of the anesthesia and the cold operating room. He asked me the same questions several times. Watching the nurse take out his IV made me dizzy. I felt helpless. I wished there was more I could do. We were through the worst of it and the surgeon said everything went well and he thinks he got all the cancer out. But that’s when I felt the worse—after the worst had passed.

So, now we wait for the pathology report. If everything looks good, the doctor won’t call us. No news is good news. We will simply follow-up with the surgeon at an appointment where he will take the stitches out. Hopefully Matt won’t need further treatment other than going to his dermatologist regularly for follow-up exams.

I’m super grateful for the medical care he received. Both his dermatologist and the surgeon were very capable and competent. We were treated so well at Hoag Hospital in Newport Beach. I’m thankful Matt went to the dermatologist when he did and that we didn’t ignore it any longer. It could have spread and gotten much worse if we just let it go. All in all, it’s been a challenge but not overwhelming. I’m just thankful that, for now, everything is ok. We’re hopeful for the future. If you’re the praying sort, would you kindly say a prayer that Matt’s melanoma is gone and that we get a good pathology report? Thank you.

I’ll try to write again soon. I need to get back in the habit. It’s good for me. It’s good for the soul. Take care, friends. And if you’ve been putting off your dermatologist appointment, pick up the phone and make the call. Your life is worth it.