The insufferable cruelty of tight jeans (aka, The Tyranny of Discomfort)

I'm tired of trying to shoe-horn myself into tight little jeans. #1 it's uncomfortable. #2 nobody deserves the punishing view of me overflowing my denim. Come to think of it, I don't deserve the punishing view of you overflowing your denim, either. But somehow, we've all decided that smashing ourselves into jeans is really pretty awesome.

This needs to stop. I mean, at what age is it OK for a woman to stop warring with her womanly curves? I'm dead weary of fighting my curves. Sometimes, wearing jeans just feels like such a cruel thing to do to my childbearing hips.

This is why we have stretchy skirts, for example. This is also why we have long, lovely, flowy skirts, for example.

I'm telling you, I'm experiencing a renaissance, here. I have re-discovered the joy of long skirts--skirts that actually make swooshing sounds when I walk! I needed to buy some skirts for Bolivia and when I tried them on, I remembered the sheer joy of swooshy, swooshing, swooshable skirtage!

There's another aspect to this about which I'm afraid to talk (because in case you didn't already think I'm a "too sensitive" ENFP, now you'll REALLY think that).

Here's the truth: clothes really bother me. I mean like they physically hurt my body. If I could go naked all the time, I would. Alas, my kids have reached the age whereupon they are horrified at the sight of their mother standing naked in the kitchen calmly frying up some eggs.

I'm not trying to scare anyone, it's just that clothes really, really BOTHER my skin.

Pants make me too hot. Shorts annoy my inner thighs. Short sleeved shirts bother my pits, long sleeved shirts make me sweat.

I do not wear my wedding ring because it itches my fingers. I cannot wear necklaces or earrings for longer than a few hours because it literally feels like my skin is being attacked. I hate shoes because my toes hurt inside them (I go barefoot or in flip-flops most of the time).

Don't get me started on the heinous crime called brassiers.

So. The only clothing I feel really comfortable in are Distraught Pants and baggy T-shirts. Clearly, these clothes are for Indoor Use Only. I need more options, people.

So. Skirts.

Problem is, I long ago chucked out all my long skirts because I was tired of the Tyranny of Modesty--and now I'm coming back to them, mainly because I'm sick of the Tyranny of Discomfort.

Last week I started this experiment where I wore skirts every single day. I know this might sound crazy, but I was actually a happier person. How can skirts make a person happy, you ask? Here's a short list:

  1. Ease of movement
  2. Breathable, breeziness
  3. No matter which way I move, I'm covered--no crack, no back, no pattiwhack!
  4. Swooshability
  5. No annoying, restrictive, oppressive sensations on the skin
  6. I look all nice and pretty without even trying that hard

Skirts. I'm beginning to think they might have magical powers. Have I finally found clothing that is kind to my curves and doesn't bother my sensitive skin? Please, yes? Pleeeease?