Felt completely heartbroken last night. Just utterly torn up and wrecked. I've reached that point in the book where I feel like I simply can't, can't, can't take another step. I want to quit. I want to raise the white flag of surrender. I'm at 26,000 words. Halfway.
Every single day I'm re-entering the pain. I'm opening a vein and bleeding. I would like this to stop now.
I went for a long run this morning. I reached the point where I felt like I couldn't go on. Each step hurt. Each breath. That's when the inspiration hit me:
This is a test.
The Test is not that shitty things happen. That's just the reality of life. The Test is not that life is unfair. It's unfair for everyone.
The REAL TEST is whether I can remain open, vulnerable, tender and loving.
Or will I close up? Will I shut down? Will I grow hard and bitter? Will I wreak my own vengeance? Will I become cynical? Will I hate?
This is The Test and let me tell you, I am tempted. I am tempted to get angry. I am tempted to get cynical and hateful.
There's nothing like reliving everything to remind you exactly how and why you got hurt. There's nothing like re-entering the pain to remind you how people abused you and how you abused those who came after you.
I am tempted to lash out.
And I am also tempted to soldier through, push on, try harder, chin up.
I am tempted to SURVIVE.
But I'm not going to do that.
I'm doing everything differently this time.
I've let go of being a survivor. Now, I'm stretching myself out on the altar.
I'm choosing to stay open. I'm choosing to love. I'm choosing earnestness. I refuse to hate. I refuse to dishonor the story with sarcasm. I refuse to even editorialize.
I choose to simply tell the story and trust my readers. I trust you. It's not my job to tell you how to feel.
I choose to lay myself on the altar and let the story tell the story.
I choose to stay soft, vulnerable, open. Yes, you can take a swipe at me. Yes, you can hit me. Yes, you can throw me away.
I will stay here. I will stay loving. I won't let what happened to me turn me cynical or sarcastic.
I won't fight back with arguments.
The story fights for me.
I choose love.